Although Bob has accomplished much in his life, nothing compares to his much
bragged about children. If you’ve have the pleasure of speaking to Bob for more than 3
minutes, chances are that he’s told you about his two kids that graduated from Harvard,
his one kid at Stanford, his high school senior that got accepted to Harvard, and his
oldest son at law school.
The Oldest – “Should I call you lawyer?”
Michael resides in Northern California with his family. He met his wife at UC Irvine
where he also won an intramural basketball championship. As the only child not to
attend one of the country’s great universities some argued that Michael would lose his
status as “favorite”. However, after providing Bob and his wife their first grandchild and
then graduating from UC Berkeley – Boalt Hall School of Law, Michael not only retained
his position as favorite but solidified it by giving Bob two things to brag about.
Moo Moo Cow
Being the first of the kids to be accepted to Harvard she enjoyed much fanfare and
attention. Jen was featured in an HBO special about Latinos in America and had a
camera crew following her around for a week. Despite being a book worm she also
managed to play some hoop and picked up a few little awards such as league MVP and
all-city first team. After graduating from Harvard, Jen went on to be a Boalt Hall groupie.
Shortly there after she eloped.
Gus the Mad Scientist
As the middle child in a family of comedians it would have been easy to get lost in the
crowd. However Joseph distinguished himself early by spilling his drinks often at the
dinner table and eventually earning the moniker Gus, taken from a clumsy TV character.
Despite his nickname, Gus went on to become the second Bracamontes child to be
accepted to Harvard. Coming dangerously close to being a Division I athlete (he barely
missed the varsity volleyball team), Gus went on to graduate with a degree in
Economics and buy a ’92 Civic hatchback. His love for the Hatch grew more intense
after an engine swap and a few trips to the track.
Bill – Whatcha gonna do when he comes for you?
Vincent was forced to defend himself from his two older brothers early on in life and
discovered that the only way to hold his own was to fly into uncontrollable rages. Bad
Boy Bill was the alias assigned to this hellion, but was shortened to Bill because saying
“Bad Boy” would make Bill cry. He was able to shake off this emotionally damaging
treatment and go on to take the Garfield basketball team to the playoffs. Although the
team would later blow a commanding lead and self destruct, Bill retains basketball
bragging rights amongst the male siblings. Bill graduated from Stanford University in
2007 and works in Santa Monica. Bill also has a project car: an ’89 Honda CRX and
hopes to transform the car into a vehicle with respectable acceleration.
Julie “The Baby”
By far the most spoiled and pampered of the children, Julie has had the unique
perspective of living with Bob and Pat by herself (although Mike did too when he was 0-
18 months old). She has witnessed many acts of affection, some appropriate and some
not. She rocked the boat last year by forgoing her senior year in basketball and focused
exclusively on volleyball and academics. Much to the embarrassment of her Harvard
siblings, Julie outscored the dimwits on the SAT’s and advanced placement tests. When
asked about how she was able accomplish such a feat she replied, “I like totally just did
my best.” She is currently attending Harvard and thus allowing Bob to brag for several
Doris the Daughter-in-law
Doreen grew up in Tulare (it’s in central California) and dreamed about marrying a big
city stud all her life. While at UC Irvine she met the oldest of the Bracamontes kids and
fell in love. Despite providing Bob his first and second grandchildren, Doreen made a
name for herself not by bearing children but by bringing modern feminist theory to the
Bracamontes clan. Although the laborious task of civilizing the Bracamontes men is an
ongoing and sometimes friction causing process, we are all the better for it. Doreen
currently teaches high school in Northern California.